


Mischief Unmanaged

by swords_and_words



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/F, F/M, Harry Potter Next Generation, M/M, Next Generation, but mostly ignores its whole plot, can you tell, chat fic, chat room fic, chatroom fic, delphie?? never heard of her sorry, like it takes some inspo from it, look out! outdated memes incoming, most of them are gayer, no i am not editing them out sorry, semi cursed child compliant, set in al scor and rose's 6th year, sorry i used emojis i wrote this on my phone, this is trash but i'm having fun
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-31
Updated: 2018-11-10
Packaged: 2019-05-16 09:19:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14808552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swords_and_words/pseuds/swords_and_words
Summary: A Next Gen chat room fic because let's be honest, Hogwarts should have Wi-Fi by then and everyone should be in on the memes! Takes some inspiration from the events and characters of Cursed Child but mostly ignores its entire plot. Set in Albus, Scorpius, and Rose's 6th year so many older chat members are out of Hogwarts already.My apologies if this has many old references or memes; it was written way before I'm actually posting it, back when they were popular. Chat room fics are what happen when I want to write but I'm too lazy to actually write.





	1. Just Cous'

**Author's Note:**

> Character List:  
> James: jamesisthename  
> Lily: urmum  
> Albus: al-bored  
> Scorpius: scorpionking  
> Rose: ringaroundtherosie  
> Hugo: hugoaway  
> Roxanne: roxythedoxy  
> Fred: undeadfred  
> Teddy: hufflepunk  
> Victoire: victorydancer  
> Dominique: gryffindorspartymore  
> Louis: lou-oui  
> Lucy: leftielucy  
> Molly: jollymolly

*ringaroundtherosie has joined the chat Just Cous (+ Scorp)*

ringaroundtherosie: i fuckin hate polly chapman

leftielucy: what did she do now

ringaroundtherosie: we were in potions class, and valentina wasn't able to attend because she wasn't feeling well, and neither was polly's partner so I got paired up with polly fucking chapman and do you know the first thing she says when she sits down next to me? do you know what the first thing she says is?

ringaroundtherosie: she goes "how's val? I heard she's sick. pity. i mean, i wouldn't blame her. who wouldn't be after spending so much time around you."

undeadfred: OOOOH *winces* that's bad

ringaroundtherosie: that's not even it tho

jamesisthename: there's more?? 

ringaroundtherosie: so then i say to her, "that's funny, because i heard yann was throwing up in the second floor bathroom. yeah, pity, isn't it. oh, why is it such a pity? they say they had flashbacks to when they were dating you, and they just couldn't help it pouring out."

ringaroundtherosie: on the word pouring, i poured a vial of doxy eggs into the cauldron for dramatic effect

ringaroundtherosie: it was a pretty sick burn you guys should have been there

ringaroundtherosie: anyway, so to retaliate to this, she waits until we have the whole potion brewed to "accidentally" bump into the cauldron, sending the whole thing crashing down, only for her to impedimenta it before it hits the ground, saving the potion

ringaroundtherosie: so of course the professor notices, and she thanks polly for being so "quick-thinking in the moment" and polly tells her, looking pointedly at me, that "it's okay, accidents happen. isn't that right, rose? some people are just more adept at preventing them from happening than others." UGH I HATE HER

lou-oui: why must she be such a how do you say BITCH

gryffindorspartymore: louis your first language is english you know how to say it

lou-oui: tu sais quoi? JE T'EMMERDE,** dominique

gryffindorspartymore: *gasps in french*

scorpionking: ew (about the polly thing)

al-bored: did everyone laugh at you?

ringaroundtherosie: no, they know not to laugh. i'd punch them all in the face

al-bored: should we try being that menacing, scorpius? 

scorpionking: hmmm, nah, don't think that'd work with us mate

ringaroundtherosie: so anyway, i was just glad that i hadn't gotten any of it on my robes, until we're walking out the door at the end of class and polly comes up right behind me and takes a vial of the potion that she had SET ASIDE EARLIER SPECIFICALLY FOR THIS PURPOSE WITHOUT ME KNOWING and pours it straight on my robes, coquettishly puts a hand over her mouth and says, VERY UNCONVINCINGLY, "oops."

ringaroundtherosie: no offense to albus and scorpius, but I SWEAR she was meant to be a slytherin, the sneaky little shit

scorpius: please don't give her over to us i would vomit

al-bored: i would literally throw myself off the astronomy tower

lou-oui: ......

undeadfred: yikes

ringaroundtherosie: *looks away + pretends i didn't hear*

al-bored: what?? what did i say?!

scorpionking: mate...

jamesisthename: doesn't that sort of...remind you of another albus...

al-bored: OH

al-bored: OH NO

al-bored: THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEANT

al-bored: I MEAN I WOULD WALK WANDLESS RIGHT INTO THE FORBIDDEN FOREST THAT IS WHAT I MEAN THERE FIXED IT EVERYBODY LET'S JUST FIRGET THAT OKAY

scorpionking: FJDNFJN

urmum: i live for albus getting roasted tbh

al-bored: 1. lily you've finally decided to join us  
2\. that was not a roast  
3\. FUK YOU LILY

undeadfred: i'm cackling *clap* lash out albus *clap* come *clap* for *clap* her *clap*

urmum: the handclap meme is dead, fred

undeadfred: following albus's format,  
1\. just like your sense of humor  
2\. the meme may be dead but i'm not, look at my username will you  
3\. i came here to have a good time and i am honestly feeling so attacked right now  
AND FOUR: the your mum meme is deader so who's the dead one now

lou-oui: i am; reading this mess has made me deceased

al-bored: *copies and pastes* i'm cackling *clap* lash out fred *clap* come *clap* for *clap* her *clap*

urmum: WHY ARE YOU BOTH TYPING OUT THE HANDCLAP MEME I SWEAR TO MERLIN

undeadfred: because the platform the author is posting this on does not register emojis so we have to do it manually

urmum: um excuse me

scorpionking: that got meta

ringaroundtherosie: anyway does anyone wanna hear what i did next

leftielucy: there's more???

ringaroundtherosie: yes, of course there's more, i wasn't gonna let her get away with that

undeadfred: lucy? you've returned from the dead?? is it really you? 

leftielucy: chill, I only left for like 5 minutes. this chat is wild 

leftielucy: anyway, I was trying to get molly's nose out of her crocheting so she could look at the shitstorm that is this chat

lou-oui: molly crochets? she's such a grandma already

jollymolly: watch out, molly sr, i'm swervin in

jamesisthename: omw to steal ur grandma status

al-bored: molly!!! 

jollymolly: albus!!! 

leftielucy: um wow not even that much love for your own sister okay smh

jollymolly: oh, by the way, rose i just caught up on all that polly junk. i am disgraced to have rhyming names with her

scorpionking: albus, give me a beat

al-bored: *starts beatboxing*

scorpionking: molly, molly, 

scorpionking: she's better than polly

scorpionking: she doesn't put up with polly's folly

scorpionking: polly sucks 

scorpionking: so let's chuck her out a window or something

scorpionking: i was gonna make the end rhyme but then i decided that polly doesn't deserve that much effort

ringaroundtherosie: thank u scorpius that was really uplifting

scorpionking: i gotchu fam 

ringaroundtherosie: ur ironically the only person in here who isn't related to me

al-bored: saucy ^

scorpionking: BLOCKEDD

lou-oui: scorpius is coming for your freestyle king status, now, fred

lou-oui: better watch out

scorpionking: i should just change my name to freestlyeking now

scorpionking: i'll do it

undeadfred: nah, nah, buddy i still have the freestyle king status, u haven't reached my level yet trust me

undeadfred: stick to ruling those scorpions, they need you

scorpionking: ok 

urmum: ANYWAY what happened with polly?? how did u get ur revenge rose i really wanna know

al-bored: why, are you gonna take notes?

scorpionking: better watch out albus, she lives in your home

al-bored: oh shit u right

urmum: I WANNA KNOW

ringaroundtherosie: THANK YOU LILY

ringaroundtherosie: anyway, so i actually didn't do anything after that, but it was what i did before, when she wasn't looking

ringaroundtherosie: i put a miniature dungbomb in her copy of advanced potion making. she'll be in for a surprise when she goes to write that potions essay

urmum: remind me not to be in the common room when that happens

ringaroundtherosie: noted

undeadfred: NOW THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN ABOUT

undeadfred: i salute you rose granger-weasley. i salute you

undeadfred: og fred is smiling down upon you rn

undeadfred: i can feel it

lou-oui: you can't feel anything, based on the insensitivity of that username

undeadfred: ok, we have BEEN OVER THIS

undeadfred: don't tell me og fred is not cackling over this username, right now, at this very moment

urmum: he probs is

jollymolly: he does have a point

leftielucy: accurate

scorpionking: ^

leftielucy: just don't let your dad see your username he'll have a fit

gryffindorspartymore: it is pretty clever

lou-oui: and where have you been??

gryffindorspartymore: snogging

al-bored: um how dare you abandon us for a snog i am offended

gryffindorspartymore: i'm sorry she was really pretty okay?!!!

lou-oui: ...she?

gryffindorspartymore: what? c'mon it's not like you all didn't know i was heteroflexible right 

urmum: ....

gryffindorspartymore: right???

ringaroundtherosie: um no we did not know this

gryffindorspartymore: oh. oopsies 

scorpionking: the more you know 

jollymolly: hey i don't blame you, girls are cute

ringaroundtherosie: ^ agreed

jollymolly: everyone is cute

al-bored: "everyone is cute" -molly weasley, raging pansexual, 2025

jollymolly: "raging pansexual" is now my most favorite phrase ever, bless u albus, this is my new branding, i am using it forever

undeadfred: r u gonna crochet it on something? lame

jollymolly: to quote scorpius, um, BLOCKEDD

scorpionking: STOP MAKING FUN OF MY TYPO I WAS ANGRY

jamesisthename: just had to slip a little extra D into there, didn't you scorp? ;)

scorpionking: I'M GOING TO BED

*scorpionking has left the chat*

al-bored: i am now liveblogging scorpius as he gives up on life

al-bored: this will be a new series 

al-bored: i call it Scorpius: Post-Roast

al-bored: he has left my bed and is climbing into his

al-bored: he is pulling the covers over his head

al-bored: he is crying himself to sleep

al-bored: *sigh* i better go help him poor boi is gonna forget to leave himself a breathing hole under the blanket

al-bored: he always forgets to leave a breathing hole when he does this

ringaroundtherosie: DOMESTIC

urmum: *whispers* i shiiiiip iiiittt  
albus + scor, after hearing my whisper: "was that the wind? it must be a sign. we should kiss"

gryffindorspartymore: SHIPPEDD

jamesisthename: maybe you can give him the extra D, eh, albus? ;))))

al-bored: WHAT NO NOPE oKAY bYE

al-bored: BLOCKEDDDDD

*al-bored has left the chat*

undeadfred: well, this has been a journey from start to finish, thank you rose, for starting this, i am now going to bed

ringaroundtherosie: me too. night, everyone

jollymolly: goodnight! 

leftielucy: good night 

lou-oui: night

gryffindorspartymore: night, loves! 

urmum: byeeee

jamesisthename: gotta blast goodnight


	2. Scorpius: Post-Roast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> takes place the same night as the events of the first chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> James: jamesisthename  
> Lily: urmum  
> Albus: al-bored  
> Scorpius: scorpionking  
> Rose: ringaroundtherosie  
> Hugo: hugoaway  
> Roxanne: roxythedoxy  
> Fred: undeadfred  
> Teddy: hufflepunk  
> Victoire: victorydancer  
> Dominique: gryffindorspartymore  
> Louis: lou-oui  
> Lucy: leftielucy  
> Molly: jollymolly

11:05 p.m.

*al-bored has entered the chat Just Cous (+ Scor)*

al-bored: mah body's 2 memealicious 4 u babe 

urmum: ALBUSSS

ringaroundtherosie: GO TO SLEEEEP

lou-oui: what will we do with this child

leftielucy: you just woke me up what do you have to say for yourself

al-bored: um....my body's 2 memealicious 4 ya babe

ringaroundtherosie: ALBUSSS

jollymolly: STOP THIS AT ONCE I'M SUING

al-bored: YOU CAN'T SUE ME I'M 16

al-bored: ...wait, can you??

urmum: is scorpius keeping you up

al-bored: no he's fast asleep

al-bored: on top of my stomach

al-bored: idek how this happened

thenameisjames: i think i have a pretty good idea... ;)

al-bored: JAMES I DO NOT NEED THIS RIGHT NOW GET OUT

al-bored: i just decided to stay in his bed to make sure he had breathing holes and also no nightmares and this kinda just...happened

al-bored: anyway i am unfortunately laying in a very uncomfortable position but i don't wanna move bc he looks so soft + peaceful and i do not want to wake him

al-bored: what do

jamesisthename: just move

al-bored: i am not taking advice from YOU right now JAMES

hugoaway: just move very slowly and hold your breath so as not to disturb him until you are in a comfortable position and if he seems to notice stop and sit perfectly still until you are sure he is back asleep and keep shifting until you're comfy

hugoaway: it's what you do with cats

al-bored: thanks, hugo, that was actually good advice

al-bored: also where did u come from

hugoaway: i finally opened and caught up with this god-forsaken chat

hugoaway: polly chapman sucks

ringaroundtherosie: ikr

al-bored: ok, i did it

al-bored: oh, wait, you guys, wait

al-bored: he's snuggling into my chest

al-bored: i think he thinks i'm a pillow

al-bored: or his mum or something

jamesisthename: i think he thinks you're albus and his brain is just too tired to care and just wants to show his love and affection for you

al-bored: guys what do i do

al-bored: guys

al-bored: GUYS

al-bored: HLEP

*hugoaway, ringaroundtherosie, gryffindorspartymore, lou-oui, leftielucy, jollymolly, and jamesisthename have all left the chat*

al-bored: I HATE YOU ALL

al-bored: lily?

al-bored: lily pls help me what do i do

urmum: cuddle him

al-bored: but what if he doesn't like it

urmum: albus what is he literally doing to u rn?? cuddling you. i think he's fine with it

urmum: good luck. gotta blast

al-bored: no lily pls don't leave me no

al-bored: lily...don't you dare

urmum: byeee

*urmum has left the chat*

al-bored: LILY

al-bored: FINE. But if the whole of the Slytherin dormitory wakes up to find us cuddling it'll be YOUR FAULT

*urmum has entered the chat*

urmum: happy to help probably wouldn't be the first time anyway

*urmum has left the chat*

al-bored: um to quote louis from earlier, tu sais quoi? JE T'EMMERDE, LILY**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ** you know what? screw you, lily


	3. Cash Me Posting Dead Memes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i am aware how dead this meme is but please be advised that i wrote this when it was still booming. additionally, not only is the cash me outside meme dead to me; it is also dead to the characters because this is set in roughly 2024 so it's been like 5 years for them since the meme was thriving. everyone is just throwin' it back right now. also teddy, hugo, and roxanne are here!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> do they know about progresso in britain?? is that a thing there too?
> 
> also i realized (*realised??) i should try to use british spellings in this chapter because the characters are british so let me know if i missed anything
> 
> James: jamesisthename  
> Lily: urmum  
> Albus: al-bored  
> Scorpius: scorpionking  
> Rose: ringaroundtherosie  
> Hugo: hugoaway  
> Roxanne: roxythedoxy  
> Fred: undeadfred  
> Teddy: hufflepunk  
> Victoire: victorydancer  
> Dominique: gryffindorspartymore  
> Louis: lou-oui  
> Lucy: leftielucy  
> Molly: jollymolly

*urmum has entered the chat Just Cous (+Scor)*

urmum: this is a callout post for james sirius potter

roxythedoxy: uh-oh, she broke out the middle name

urmum: for leaving the marauder's map and the invisibility cloak to ALBUS and not ME

jamesisthename: sorry lils, he's a slytherin, he'll use it more

urmum: first of all, that is a gross stereotyping and boxing in of houses how dare u we are supposed to be the progressive generation

urmum: secondly, CASH ME OUTSIDE HOWBOU DAH

hugoaway: NOOO NOT THE RETIRED MEMES

*al-bored has changed the chat name to The Progressive Generation™*

ringaroundtherosie: AL CHANGE IT BACK

scorpionking: I'M CACKLING

al-bored: but scorpius is cackling, rose

ringaroundtherosie: ALBUS

*al-bored has changed the chat name to The Progresso Generation*

scorpionking: THAT'S A SOUP I'M WHEEZING

hugoaway: GREAT NOW I WANT SOUP

ringaroundtherosie: ALBUS SEVERUS. CHANGE IT. NOW.

*al-bored has changed the chat name to Just Cous (+ Scor)*

roxythedoxy: you just brought back extremely vivid memories of the entirety of Hogwarts INCESSANTLY PLAYING THAT DR PHIL REMIX back in my day

lou-oui: "back in my day" you say that like it was 50 years ago instead of six

roxythedoxy: i'm actually secretly an old woman

jollymolly: hey the grandma aesthetic is MY branding

gryffindorspartymore: i thought u were raging pansexual

jollymolly: that too

leftielucy: you can't have all the brands, molly

jollymolly: CASH ME OUTSIDE HOWBOU DAH

ringaroundtherosie: the hoes, aka me, are laughin rn

gryffindorspartymore: actually i think scorpius is the hoe here, as he just said he was cackling

jamesisthename: he's albus's hoe

al-bored: u dam right he is

scorpionking: i am NOBODY'S hoe

roxythedoxy: they both replied completely differently at the same time i'm cackling 

leftielucy: so now ROXANNE IS THE HOE

jollymolly: *gasps*

scorpionking: *dr phil voice" yup

al-bored: what does that mean

ringaroundtherosie: what i just said

al-bored: what does that mean

ringaroundtherosie: what i just said

hugoaway: so the audience are a bunch of hoes

scorpionking: yup

urmum: this whole chat is a bunch of hoes, namely JAMES

*al-bored has changed the chat name to Bunch Of Hoes*

jamesisthename: what do you mean lily i have NEVER hoed in my life

hugoaway: *raises eyebrows*

ringaroundtherosie: ^

roxythedoxy: ^

lou-oui: ^

leftielucy: ^

al-bored: ^^^

*jamesisthename has left the chat*

urmum: NOW WAIT JUST A BLOOMING SECOND MR. I AM NOT DONE WITH YOU

urmum: U LITTLE BLOOD TRAITOR HOW DARE YOU BETRAY ME, YOUR OWN BLOOD, AND GIVE THE CLOAK TO ALBUS, WHO, YES, IS ALSO YOUR OWN BLOOD BUT STILL

al-bored: sometimes i think i'm adopted

al-bored: correction, sometimes i WISH i was adopted

ringaroundtherosie: CHANGE THE GROUP NAME BACK ALBUS

al-bored: fine

*al-bored has changed the chat name to Just Cous (+ Scor)*

 

************

 

*urmum has received a chat from jamesisthename*

jamesisthename: lils i'm sorry about the cloak and the map

urmum: oh hello blood traitor, how goes it on the other side

jamesisthename: stop being so extra hold on

jamesisthename: albus will give you the cloak and the map in a couple years after he graduates, you’ll find other ways to sneak around until then

jamesisthename: and the main reason i wanted him to have it was because i think one adrenaline-fueled sneakout with scorpius may just be the push they need to get together

urmum: OMG UR RIGHT I'M SO SORRY 

urmum: THAT'S GENIUS

urmum: who knew you could actually be considerate

jamesisthename: well he is my little brother and scorpius just lights him up like a lumos charm so i'm really pulling for it to happen

urmum: SAME if i have to watch scorpius brush albus's hair out of his eyes with that soppy grin on his face ONE MORE TIME i might just pull a fred + george and fly out of the building

urmum: but if albus decides to be a shit and hold out on the cloak after he graduates, i'm holding you personally responsible

jamesisthename: fair enough

 

************

 

*urmum and jamesisthename have entered the chat Just Cous (+ Scor)*

gryffindorspartymore: so i see you two have worked it out, then?

urmum: yup, i'll stop calling james a blood traitor but he is still a hoe

jamesisthename: to quote albus, u dam right

lou-oui: *throws glitter on you both* FRIENDSHIIIIIIIIIIP

*undeadfred has entered the chat*

undeadfred: waddup hoes

scorpionking: oh dear god

undeadfred: i see that i only missed the general memery while i was gone

hugoaway: where were you

undeadfred: skating with teddy

leftielucy: ice skating???

undeadfred: no, skateboarding

leftielucy: ohhhh ok that makes sense, i was like, "there's no way he's that graceful"

undeadfred: um, to quote lily, CASH ME OUTSIDE HOWBOU DAH

gryffindorspartymore: NOO NOT THIS AGAIN

lou-oui: you lot are literally giving me dragon pox right now byeee

*lou-oui has left the chat*

jollymolly: NO LOUIS DON'T LEAVE ME YOU'RE THE ONLY SANE ONE PLS

*hufflepunk has entered the chat*

hufflepunk: eyyy waddup broskis

scorpionking: merlin please let me die i can't handle the cheesiness

al-bored: says the king of cheese

scorpionking: oi, i'm the SCORPION KING in case you haven't noticed

ringaroundtherosie: sure, jan.....

hugoaway: NOT ANOTHER RETRO MEME I SWEAR

urmum: what have i done

gryffindorspartymore: teddyyyyyyy! 

hufflepunk: dom! 

jamesisthename: MAH BOI

hufflepunk: JAMES MAH SMALLER BOI

hufflepunk: so i haven't been in this chat in a while are albus and scorpius dating yet

al-bored: WHY DOES EVERYONE WANT US TO DATE

scorpionking: *hides in a corner*

gryffindorspartymore: dude take a look at yourselves, why WOULDN'T everyone want you two to date

al-bored: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN

gryffindorspartymore: WHAT I JUST SAID

undeadfred: I THOUGHT I ESCAPED THE DR PHIL MEMES BY COMING IN LATE DAMMIT

urmum: teddy oh my god they're literally so domestic

ringaroundtherosie: they hug like 24/7

urmum: when albus wants scorpius to go somewhere he'll pull him along by the hand and they let go like wayyy after what would be normal

ringaroundtherosie: sometimes they'll literally lay on top of each other in the train compartments and by the lake

urmum: they brush the hair away from each other's faces a lot

hugoaway: you should see the way they LOOK AT EACH OTHER i feel like I should give them some privacy every time they make eye contact

urmum: some of my slytherin friends say they will legit C U D D L E sometimes

hufflepunk: NO WAY

al-bored: HEY THAT IS FOR MUTUAL CARE AND SUPPORT AND PTSD

ringaroundtherosie: sure, jan...

hugoaway: rose. not another retired meme i swear

scorpionking: PLUS IT'S WARM

al-bored: SCORPIUS YOU'RE NOT HELPING

scorpionking: I'M SORRY I TRIED

hufflepunk: i'm squeeing that's so cute

*al-bored has left the chat*

scorpionking: ALBUS COME BACK

scorpionking: NOW THEY'RE PROBABLY SUSPICIOUS BC YOU LEFT YOU IDIOT

hugoaway: to translate from what scorpius says to what scorpius means, "BABY COME BACK! YOU CAN BLAME IT ALL ON ME" and "NO ALBUS NOW YOU LOOK GUILTY AND EVERYONE WILL KNOW WE'VE BEEN SECRETLY DATING"

undeadfred: absolutely SAVAGE hugo my boy

scorpionking: THAT IS COMPLETELY UNTRUE WE ARE NOT SECRETLY DATING AND WE NEVER WILL BE

scorpionking: IF WE WERE DATING YOU WOULD KNOW, SEEING AS IT WOULD MAKE YOU ALL SO BLOODY HAPPY

jollymolly: get #REKT scorpius

scorpionking: molly i can't believe you'd do this to me

scorpionking: if you knew how i felt, why would you say this to me?! like you’ve put me in such an uncomfortable situation-

leftielucy: under attack and still memeing, what a lad

jamesisthename: i'm sure albus thinks so

scorpionking: SHUT UP

hufflepunk: gotta defend That Honour™

hugoaway: i once heard them quoting shakespeare to each other

hugoaway: SHAKESPEARE

ringaroundtherosie: OMG ME TOO I WAS WITH YOU THAT TIME

hugoaway: YES I REMEMBER YOU LITERALLY STARTED CRYING HAPPY TEARS INTO MY SHOULDER

hufflepunk: WHAT

hufflepunk: NO

hufflepunk: I AM SORRY BUT THAT IS SO FUCKING GAY

hufflepunk: THERE IS LIKE 

hufflepunk: NOT EVEN A FUCKING STRAIGHT WAY AROUND THAT

hufflepunk: SCORPIUS

hufflepunk: EXPLAIN YOURSELF

scorpionking: OKAY WELL THAT WAS

scorpionking: UM

scorpionking: OKAY WELL THAT WAS KINDA GAY

ringaroundtherosie: KINDA?!

urmum: YA THINK?!

undeadfred: i love sitting back and watching the world burn

ringaroundtherosie: IF HE ASKS YOU OUT WITH SHAKESPEARE I WILL C R Y

scorpionking: HE IS NOT GOING TO ASK ME OUT

hufflepunk: 10 bucks says they'll just straight up kiss and there won't even be an asking out

scorpionking: T E D D Y

scorpionking: YOU ALL ARE R U D E I'M LEAVING

jamesisthename: have fun with albus ;)

gryffindorspartymore: <3<3<3<3<3

scorpionking: TO HONOUR THE LATE GREAT LOUIS, WHO WE LOST TO DRAGON POX 10 MINUTES AGO, I SAY

scorpionking: TU SAIS QUOI? JE T'EMMERDE U LITTLE SHITS**

*scorpionking has left the chat*

undeadfred: S A V A G E

gryffindorspartymore: i have never been more proud of him

hufflepunk: i am soooo showing victoire all of this later, maybe it'll finally convince her to come back into the chat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **if you don't know what this means by now, you haven't been reading the author's notes so you should do that ;)


	4. The Gang Gets G-Noted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What do you do when you run out of content and ideas? Reference an iconic song by a band you have only heard like 3 other songs from but know many people hold near and dear to their hearts!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> victoire is here! her username is victorydancer because she does ballet and it's a play on the phrase victory dance and also because her name means victory i know i didn't really have to explain this but I'm just proud of it okay
> 
> James- jamesisthename  
> Lily- urmum  
> Albus- al-bored  
> Scorpius- scorpionking  
> Rose- ringaroundtherosie  
> Hugo- hugoaway  
> Roxanne- roxythedoxy  
> Fred- undeadfred  
> Teddy-hufflepunk  
> Victoire- victorydancer  
> Dominique- gryffindorspartymore  
> Louis: lou-oui  
> Lucy: leftielucy  
> Molly: jollymolly

*al-bored has entered the chat Just Cous™ (+ Scor)*

al-bored: have u guys ever heard that song that keeps talking about the black parade

undeadfred: NO NOPE NOT TODAY

leftielucy: NO MY EMO HEART CAN'T TAKE THIS WE ARE NOT DISCUSSING THIS SONG I WILL CRY

roxythedoxy: #NEVERFORGET

hufflepunk: WHO THE FUCK HASN'T HEARD WELCOME TO THE BLACK PARADE YOU UNCULTURED SWINE ALBUS WHAT THE FUCK HOW THE FUCK

victorydancer: TEDDY CALM DOWN DON'T SWEAR AT HIM

al-bored: WHAT DID I DO

hufflepunk: sorry albus

hufflepunk: but it's just

hufflepunk: are you telling me...that you haven't heard...welcome to the black parade...an iconic song...never to be forgotten

al-bored: why is it so important?

hufflepunk: WHY 

hufflepunk: IS IT SO IMPORTANT

hufflepunk: ALBUS

hufflepunk: PLEASE

roxythedoxy: ALBUS ARE YOU KIDDING ME WHAT THE

lou-oui: okay i'm like borderline pretty preppy but even i cry when i hear that g note so like, albus, lad, come on,

gryffindorspartymore: *SMASHES TABLE* ALBUS THAT SONG IS SO ICONIC HOW DO YOU NOT

gryffindorspartymore: AAAUUUGHHHH

undeadfred: WHY MUST WE TALK ABOUT THIS I STILL HAVEN'T GOTTEN OVER IT

al-bored: what is the g note???

leftielucy: oh no. ohhh no no. this boy has to know. there is no way he doesn't know. albus there is no way you don't know please tell me you know

al-bored: I REALLY DON'T KNOW I'M SORRY

jollymolly: i'm disowning u

*jollymolly has left the chat*

al-bored: MOLLY

al-bored: MOLLY NO

al-bored: IF YOU KNEW HOW I FELT WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT TO ME

leftielucy: DON'T YOU BE MEMEING RIGHT NOW BOY

lou-oui: it seems like molly made him feel pretty e m o

undeadfred: I FEEL PERSONALLY ATTACKED WHY ARE WE STILL DISCUSSING THIS SONG 

undeadfred: I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE

*undeadfred has left the chat*

gryffindorspartymore: LOOK WHAT U'VE DONE ALBUS

roxythedoxy: YOU TRIGGERED HIS INTENSE EMO FLASHBACKS

victorydancer: teddy is crying i'm sitting next to him right now

gryffindorspartymore: TELL HIM TO GET BACK TO RESPONDING THIS INSTANT

victorydancer: ok hold on

hufflepunk: i'm back does he know yet

roxythedoxy: no

hufflepunk: HOW DOES HE NOT AJDJVJVKJFFHBXHXB FUCCCKKK

victorydancer: LANGGUUUAAAAGGGEEE

lou-oui: wow teddy u sound pretty...emo rn

hufflepunk: BLOCKEDD

scorpionking: STOPP

gryffindorspartymore: SINCE WHEN DID YOU GET HERE

scorpionking: JUST NOWW I'VE BEEN WATCHING THIS GO DOWN SILENTLY

*hufflepunk has kicked lou-oui out of the chat*

scorpionking: YOU CAN DO THAT?!?

gryffindorspartymore: oh i am so gonna use that

roxythedoxy: how did you do it teddy teach me ur ways

hufflepunk: NEVER

roxythedoxy: R U D E

hufflepunk: i am god here u don't get to know how to do the special superpowers

leftielucy: no ur not

hufflepunk: watch me 

*hufflepunk has kicked leftielucy out of the chat*

scorpionking: oh my god he's real

roxythedoxy: we lost her

al-bored: WHAT IS THE G NOTE

gryffindorspartymore: *wails*

hufflepunk: ALBUS U WILL FEEL MY WRATH

*jamesisthename has entered the chat*

jamesisthename: so i just caught up and

jamesisthename: WHEN I WAS 

jamesisthename: A YOUNG BOY

jamesisthename: MY FATHER

jamesisthename: TOOK ME INTO THE CITY

jamesisthename: TO SEE A MARCHING BAND

al-bored: NO HE DIDN'T WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT WHEN WAS THIS

al-bored: WHAT NONSENSE ARE YOU SPEWING JAMES I DON'T REMEMBER THAT WHY DIDN'T HE TAKE ME

roxythedoxy: THOSE ARE THE FUKIG LYRICS I FUCKIGN

gryffindorspartymore: shhh shhh it's okay it'll all be over soon

victorydancer: teddy is repeatedly hitting his head against the wall i will now liveblog him as he gives up on life 

victorydancer: that's right, i caught up with the chat ;) i can make references to previous messages too now

hufflepunk: ALBUS HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME

hufflepunk: I TRUSTED YOU

scorpionking: yeah albus wtf even i know that song and we're the same age

victorydancer: I JUST HAD TO STOP TEDDY FROM BREAKING A VASE SOMEBODY PUT A STOP TO THIS

al-bored: OKAY OKAY I LIED I KNOW IT I KNOW IT I KNOW WHAT THE G NOTE IS I KNOW WHO MCR ARE I KNOW THE LYRICS I KNOW IT ALL OF IT I KNOW EVERYTHING I'M SORRY

al-bored: it's...just a prank bro

hufflepunk: IT WAS A WHST

hufflepunk: A WHAT

roxythedoxy: PROVE IT

al-bored: FINE

al-bored: HE SAID SON WHEN

al-bored: YOU GROW UP

al-bored: WILL YOU BE

al-bored: THE SAVIOR OF THE BROKEN

scorpionking: ooo my turn THE BEATEN AND THE DAMNED

hufflepunk: WAIT WERE

hufflepunk: WERE YOU IN ON THIS 

scorpionking: ...

victorydancer: SCORPIUS

hufflepunk: U LITTLE SHIT

scorpionking: what can i say, i'm loyal to ma boi

jamesisthename: *boyfriend ;) ;) ;)

*hufflepunk has kicked jamesisthename out of the chat* 

hufflepunk: i did it for u

scorpionking: thx

hufflepunk: he isn't your boyfriend,,,YET

scorpionking: i have king in my username so like, you should, totally hook me up with those powers (so i can kick you out of this chat after that)

hufflepunk: what is a king to a god

gryffindorspartymore: what is a god to a nonbeliever

roxythedoxy: what is a nonbeliever to a poisonous dart frog

al-bored: what is a poisonous dart frog to a second poisonous dart frog

scorpionking: a friend

al-bored: you passed the test

al-bored: you may now ascend

hufflepunk: UM NO HE MAY NOT

victorydancer: okay i am putting teddy to bed because he has been very shook™ say goodnight teddy

hufflepunk: goodnight teddy

victorydancer: ok close enough g'night everyone

roxythedoxy: nightsies

gryffindorspartymore: night, loves!

jamesisthename: skee-yee

al-bored: i'm glad we can all be poisonous dart frogs again

scorpionking: friends, he means he's glad we can all be friends again

scorpionking: night everyone

roxythedoxy: albus

al-bored: mhmm

roxythedoxy: never do that again

al-bored: yes ma'am

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sure many of you will recognize that whole nonbeliever poisonous dart frog thing from that one tumblr post, and if you don't, good luck finding it


	5. Offbrand Brutus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is just a lil mini interlude that is a convo between Al and Scor in which they are Shakespeare dorks :) It is also the last thing I had prewritten for this god-forsaken chat fic so now I will have to actually write more content wish me luck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is it okay to post four chapters in basically one day?? doesn't matter because i already did it oops! i call it giving the people what i maybe think they might want
> 
> James- jamesisthename  
> Lily- urmum  
> Albus- al-bored  
> Scorpius- scorpionking  
> Rose- ringaroundtherosie  
> Hugo- hugoaway  
> Roxanne- roxythedoxy  
> Fred- undeadfred  
> Teddy-hufflepunk  
> Victoire- victorydancer  
> Dominique- gryffindorspartymore  
> Louis: lou-oui  
> Lucy: leftielucy  
> Molly: jollymolly

9:47 p.m.

*scorpionking has received a chat from al-bored*

al-bored: why do you think rose and valentina got together

scorpionking: probably because they're both badass and way out of ppl's league why do you ask

al-bored: idk i just realized they never told us about how it happened. it seemed kinda sudden and random

scorpionking: they were staring at each other during double-transfiguration at the end of last year for like 3 months straight before it happened though

scorpionking: i swear it was like nothing else was going on around them

al-bored: i didn't even notice that

scorpionking: well that was when i was still staring at rose

al-bored: ohhh that makes sense

scorpionking: they were like the whole, ya'know, love is blind and lovers cannot see the pretty follies that they themselves commit and all that

al-bored: did you just

al-bored: did you just casually incorporate a shakespeare quote into a chat??

scorpionking: um yes

al-bored: dork

scorpionking: were you just able to identify a shakespeare quote that i casually incorporated into a chat??

al-bored: um yes

scorpionking: dork deluxe™

al-bored: away! thou'rt poison to my blood!

scorpionking: did you just insult me in shakesperian

al-bored: yes

scorpionking: that's hot

al-bored: SCORPIUS

scorpionking: ;) ;) ;)

al-bored: stop flirting with me XD

scorpionking: whoooo smokin' ;) ;)

al-bored: STOP THIS

scorpionking: <3<3<3<3

al-bored: THIS IS HARASSMENT

al-bored: GET THEE HENCE, SAUCY FELLOW

scorpionking: SAUCY FELLOW I'M CACKLING

scorpionking: PLEASE TELL ME THAT'S AN ACTUAL QUOTE

al-bored: smh haven't u ever read juilius caesar

scorpionking: i didn't know you felt that way about me, albus *eyebrow waggle*

scorpionking: do you think me a....saucy fellow ;D

al-bored: BLOCKEDD

scorpionking: NO PLS DON'T BRING THAT MEME BACK

al-bored: REQUEST DENIEDD

scorpionking: NOOOO STOP I HATE YOU

al-bored: ;)

scorpionking: ^ saucy 

al-bored: DOUBLE BLOCKEDD

scorpionking: YOU CAN'T ESCAPE UNTIL THE PLAY IS OVER ALBUS 

al-bored: IT HAS TO END WITH DEATH OR A WEDDING

scorpionking: is that a proposal :,) <3

al-bored: too bad it's a tragedy so i will have to kill you

scorpionking: ET TU, BRUTE!

al-bored: you DID read julius caesar!

scorpionking: and scene

al-bored: *throws roses on the stage* BRAVO!

al-bored: hogwarts should truly reinstate its theatre program, they are missing out on a fine talent

scorpionking: will u be the brutus to my cassius

al-bored: ...yes

scorpionking: BOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

al-bored: goodnight dork

scorpionking: goodnight offbrand brutus

al-bored: oh shut up

scorpionking: ok fine, goodnight dork deluxe™

al-bored: better

al-bored: goodnight

*******

1:17 a.m.

al-bored: <3

1:18 a.m.

scorpionking: <3 :)

*******

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no, they did not get together in this chapter, they were just being clueless flirty dorks but a real get together will come in time


	6. Dye & Discourse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the usual shenanigans

*jamesisthename has messaged Just Cous (+ Scorp)*

jamesisthename: hey how do you guys feel about me dyeing my hair red

urmum: um why would you cramp my style like that james

urmum: that's my brand

jollymolly: no it's mine

gryffindorspartymore: molly you can't have all the brands we've been over this!!

scorpionking: i would think that you must be a weasley

gryffindorspartymore: besides, it's MY brand

urmum: oh please dom your hair is strawberry blonde

gryffindorspartymore: it is NOT! it is a lighter red but i am not THAT blonde thank you very much

victorydancer: was that a discreet dumb blonde jab because i will have you know, i was head girl

gryffindorspartymore: yeah you'll have me know and you also won't let me forget

victorydancer: #smartblonde4life

scorpionking: ^retweet

ringaroundtherosie: yeah dom is right it doesn't have to be fiery red to still be red mine is like reddish brown because i'm mixed so like i'm still a redhead, but my skin isn't white so i'm just not ginger; there's a difference

ringaroundtherosie: plus my name is ROSE

ringaroundtherosie: roses are red

scorpionking: violets are blue 

urmum: dom's not a redhead

urmum: and neither are you

victorydancer: WOW that was harsh

scorpionking: you know, why DO they say violets are blue??? no they're not; they're violet. that's the whole point

victorydancer: can we all agree that rose and dom ARE technically redheads but they don't get to claim they're Signature Weasley Red or anything

urmum: yeah alright that makes sense

urmum: but still james, i think that dying your hair red is weasley appropriation

jamesisthename: OUR MOTHER is a WEASLEY, HOW 

Jamesisthename: HOW can i appropriate weasley hair if i AM a weasley

urmum: look if natural selection didn't decide to give you those genes, you can't make yourself have them (they may not teach science at hogwarts, but a girl can DREAM and google genetics outside of class when she gets bored)

urmum: it's just recessive, maybe one day you will have a redheaded son and you can live vicariously through him 

scorpionking: violets are fucking PURPLE

urmum: but you have not been Chosen to have the Weasley Hair

scorpionking: that's why they are called VIOLETS

gryffindorspartymore: shhh it's okay scorpius we know it's alright

ringaroundtherosie: doesn't anyone who is a weasley and has hair have weasley hair by definition?? because they are a weasley and they have hair

victorydancer: ooo TRUE

urmum: yes they have weasley hair but not Weasley Hair™

victorydancer: ooh that makes sense too

victorydancer: a compelling argument

gryffindorspartymore: PICK A SIDE VICTOIRE

jamesisthename: *chanting* Vic can't pick, vic can't pick

victorydancer: you know that would be funnier if i was bi but i'm not

victorydancer: i am a Hetero™

gryffindorspartymore: i'm hetero

gryffindorspartymore: heteroFLEXIBLE

scorpionking: nice one dom

ringaroundtherosie: destroy the myth that bi people have to pick a side and are confused because they "can't pick"; i like both okay

victorydancer: dont worry bb i wasn't suggesting it in that way

ringaroundtherosie: don't worry that wasn't directed at you that was just some pent up frustration i needed to get out

urmum: go off girl!

ringaroundtherosie: anyway i'm bi but you all knew this

victorydancer: i love how this is escalating in levels of not-straightness

scorpionking: i'm bi

*lou-oui has entered the chat*

lou-oui: i'm gay

jamesisthename: i'm confused

lou-oui: about your sexuality???

jamesisthename: no about how we got on this subject

jamesisthename: but while we're at it, yeah kind of also about my sexuality because i have only ever liked girls and they are so hot and we all know i'm a ladies' man

ringaroundtherosie: sure, jan

jamesisthename: but sometimes you just see the male quidditch players and you're just like, damn. i would

jamesisthename: would smash

jamesisthename: smash or pass? nah, i would PASS the quaffle to them and then smash, you know?

urmum: NO, no i DON'T know

gryffindorspartymore: james that's literally what i go through except with girls, maybe you're heteroflexible

jamesisthename: yeah but i don't feel like i think it often enough for me to have to identify as Not Straight™

gryffindorspartymore: fair enough, you do you boo

lou-oui: wow james do you need to talk with us about this??? 

jamesisthename: ANYWAY since you all seem to finally be done with the Hair Discourse™ 

lou-oui: apparently not

jamesisthename: when i said red i did not mean weasley red

jamesisthename: i meant cherry red. like fire engine neon red

ringaroundtherosie: oh my god why didn't you stop us we could have avoided that whole "weasley appropriation" thing if you had just said that

lou-oui: i should keep timing my entrances to miss the discourse this is nice

jamesisthename: because, as fred said, i like to watch the world burn

*undeadfred has entered the chat*

urmum: HE HAS RISEN

undeadfred: okay i was ignoring the notifications that were blowing up but then i saw my catchphrase at the top of one of them what are we watching burn

*roxythedoxy has entered the chat*

roxythedoxy: hey it's me, damage control

lou-oui: ah just in time fred was about to start a fire

roxythedoxy: i saw that's why i came in

roxythedoxy: i'm next to him right now so i'll make sure he does no such thing

roxythedoxy: pyromania?? in my house?? not likely

undeadfred: it's more likely than you think

scorpionking: fred, you do know aguamenti exists, right? roxanne can just use that, incendio's not gonna accomplish shit, my friend

al-bored: unless he gets ahold of fiendfyre

victorydancer: albus how would he do that

gryffindorspartymore: wait a minute when did u get here ablus

lou-oui: "ABLUS" HAHAA

lou-oui: dare i say, that's a funnier typo than BLOCKEDD

al-bored: okay but nothing will ever top BLOCKEDD

al-bored: but still, ABLUS

jamesisthename: i think u mean abless

urmum: JAMES

*al-bored has left the chat*

victorydancer: what have you DONE

scorpionking: hey james

scorpionking: i think u forgot to @ yourself in that message

urmum: OOOOOOH HOLY SHIT

ringaroundtherosie: did i just

ringaroundtherosie: did i just see scorpius malfoy roast someone

roxythedoxy: you pushed him to the EGDE james

roxythedoxy: HE ROASTED someone JAMES

roxythedoxy: he EXPOSED you for not having abs

roxythedoxy: that's why you don't bully your little brother, karma's a bitch

roxythedoxy: this is a momentous occasion

lou-oui: shall i get some wine let's have a toast

undeadfred: toast??? i'm still hung up on that ROAST

undeadfred: LEGEND

victorydancer: so subtle, yet so artful. so cutting

victorydancer: kindness is the best way to kill but THAT. that i will accept

gryffindorspartymore: the scorpion's got sting!!!

gryffindorspartymore: knew he had it in him :,)

scorpionking: of course i do, did you all just forget that i'm a slytherin?

scorpionking: hiss hiss bish

urmum: hiss hiss indeed i think he killed james

lou-oui: james

roxythedoxy: james?

ringaroundtherosie: oh my fuckin god he fuckin dead

roxythedoxy: MISS KEISHA

undeadfred: miss JAMES

gryffindorspartymore: ANYWAY where DID albus come from??

lou-oui: maybe he used m a g i c to get in without us noticing

urmum: listen magic can do a lot of stuff but i don't think it can bypass groupchat physics

victorydancer: he probably was just in here the whole time watching 

scorpionking: *cue running man challenge music* i've beeen watchiiiing youuuuu

lou-oui: ah, more vintage memes

ringaroundtherosie: AT NIGHT, I THINK OF YOUUUUUU

jamesisthename: I WANT 

jamesisthename: TO BEEEE YOUR LAAADY BAAAABYYYY

roxythedoxy: HE'S BACK

jollymolly: i have also been watching you

jollymolly: remember when i was here at the beginning? i never left

jollymolly: i was biding my time, saving myself from being thrown into the roasts and discourse

jollymolly: but i have come back 

jollymolly: to assert my grandma branding 

jollymolly: by saying

jollymolly: you all know that song was around before the meme right?

scorpionking: yes XD

lou-oui: well played, molly

lou-oui: tbh i never suspected you were watching

undeadfred: watching the world burn, you could say

*victorydancer has kicked undeadfred out of the chat*

roxythedoxy: omg vic YOU CAN DO THAT TOO?!?!

victorydancer: teddy showed me how, but unlike him, i use it sparingly

urmum: wow what a power couple

victorydancer: i'm no reckless ruler

ringaroundtherosie: good godric people keep throwing so many curveballs in this hellchat today

ringaroundtherosie: first we have james wanting to dye his hair red, then we have james questioning his sexuality, then we have albus AND Molly secretly being here the whole time

ringaroundtherosie: oh and scorpius ROASTED someone

urmum: trust no one 

urmum: not even a hufflepuff 

victorydancer: don't let teddy hear you say that 

lou-oui: it's okay, there's no puffs in this chat right now

roxythedoxy: speaking of teddy, james are you trying to steal his hair colouring Brand™?

jamesisthename: i would NEVER

jamesisthename: no but really, i'm just trying to stick to my OWN brand, which is being as gryffindor as possible 

ringaroundtherosie: *mean girls voice* he doesn't even GO here!!

lou-oui: oh look at that, the vintage meme/reference count goes up yet again

jamesisthename: just let me live and show some house pride, people!!! i don't care if i've already graduated :( i GO HERE in my HEART

gryffindorspartymore: well then why don't you do red AND gold stripes if you're a REAL gryffindor

jamesisthename: okay not THAT MUCH gryffindor 

jamesisthename: i would make myself dizzy looking at that in the mirror

jamesisthename: and we are lions, not tigers, dom calm down

jamesisthename: but does everyone vote yes for cherry fire truck neon red?

urmum: james potter - *tells dom to calm down* *suggests fiery neon red hair immediately after*

urmum: the hypocrisy

urmum: but sure why not

ringaroundtherosie: yeah

scorpionking: sounds good to me

roxythedoxy: hell yes boi

lou-oui: i feel like if anyone can pull that off convincingly, it's you

jollymolly: just please get someone to help you dye it, don't do it on your own

jollymolly: and don't use muggle dye; that never lasts long enough

jollymolly: neither does spelling it red

jollymolly: find some dye that has holding charms, love

urmum: you might have to go to DYEagon alley 

scorpionking: HA

victorydancer: okay i know i said i use my powers sparingly but

victorydancer: i want to take a nap and you are all blowing up my phone so

roxythedoxy: VICTOIRE NO

gryffindorspartymore: HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE MY S I S T E R

victorydancer: what dramatic last words

victorydancer: byeee

*victorydancer has kicked gryffindorspartymore, roxythedoxy, scorpionking, urmum, jollymolly, lou-oui, and jamesisthename out of the chat*

victorydancer: ahhh, the beauty of silence


	7. Bi The Way...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She protecc, she atacc, but most importantly, she bacc! We now resume our broadcast after a period of the author having way too much on her plate :) My apologies!! Also I'm posting this from my phone so if the formatting ends up wonky, that would be why.
> 
> This Brand New Installment includes: life lessons and truth tea about cancelling people and making assumptions! Also featuring British wizards somehow being familiar with Hannah Montana!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Character List:  
> James- jamesisthename  
> Lily- urmum  
> Albus- al-bored  
> Scorpius- scorpionking  
> Rose- ringaroundtherosie  
> Hugo- hugoaway  
> Roxanne- roxythedoxy  
> Fred- undeadfred  
> Teddy-hufflepunk  
> Victoire- victorydancer  
> Dominique- gryffindorspartymore  
> Louis: lou-oui  
> Lucy: leftielucy  
> Molly: jollymolly

PREVIOUSLY, on this wizarding hellchat:

 

"ringaroundtherosie: anyway i'm bi but you all knew this

victorydancer: i love how this is escalating in levels of not-straightness

scorpionking: i'm bi

*lou-oui has entered the chat*

lou-oui: i'm gay

jamesisthename: i'm confused

lou-oui: about your sexuality???"

 

AND

 

"lou-oui: "ABLUS" HAHAA

lou-oui: dare i say, that's a funnier typo than BLOCKEDD

al-bored: okay but nothing will ever top BLOCKEDD

al-bored: but still, ABLUS

jamesisthename: i think u mean abless

urmum: JAMES

*al-bored has left the chat*

victorydancer: what have you DONE

scorpionking: hey james

scorpionking: i think u forgot to @ yourself in that message

ringaroundtherosie: did i just

ringaroundtherosie: did i just see scorpius malfoy roast someone"

AND NOW....

........................................................................................

 

ringaroundtherosie: here i am, scrolling back though the most recent chats in the Just Cous chat to get a screenshot of scorpius roasting james so i can show albus

ringaroundtherosie: and i noticed something that we all missed because louis entered the chat right after and then james started questioning his sexuality

ringaroundtherosie: scorpius said he was bi!!

jamesisthename: we been knew

ringaroundtherosie: yeah but he's never actually said it!!

ringaroundtherosie: like he actually just came out to everyone, he trusted us with this information and we didn't even see it

leftielucy: oh my god i feel so bad :(((

hufflepunk: we have to let him know somehow that it's okay and we support him

urmum: oh definitely

urmum: but in the meantime do you know what this means

hufflepunk: #scorbus confirmed??

urmum: #scorbus confirmed!!!

*gryffindorspartymore renamed the chat Scorpius's Heterosexuality Is Over Party*

lou-oui: that's great and all, but that doesn't mean they're dating

jamesisthename: for all we know they could be

jamesisthename: i wouldn't put it past them to be hiding it from us

gryffindorspartymore: yeah but what if albus doesn't even know, just like we didn't??? 

lou-oui: well there's no way he'd drop that in the chat so casually for albus to see without telling him first. that would never be the way he'd let albus find out he's more careful than that

hugoaway: yeah they've been friends for years; he'd let albus know in a more serious way

hufflepunk: soooo albus probably almost definitely knows already

jamesisthename: sooooo #scorbusconfirmed

victorydancer: look this is really sweet and all and i ship it too! but let's not make assumptions about other peoples' relationships. it's not good to do whether they're comfortable with it or not, but especially if they're uncomfortable with it, which i think they are. 

ringaroundtherosie: shit that's true...the more uncomfortable we make them the less likely they are to even consider dating (or tell us that they are when/if they are)

undeadfred: damn....u right

gryffindorspartymore: okay that's actually true. we never should have been making assumptions about their sexualities in the first place

urmum: oh no now i feel rly bad

victorydancer: it's okay, we didn't realize what we were really doing until now! i think we all got a little carried away

leftielucy: but now that we know, we're stopping. right everyone?? 

jamesisthename: do we have toooo

urmum: YES james

jollymolly: if i see you even think about continuing it i will knit you your own personal coffin

undeadfred: she's not joking...she did it to me once. couldn't even apparate out of it

lou-oui: she really did steal Molly Sr.'s brand

jamesisthename: okay fine. you're right we should respect the privacy and comfort levels of both of them

hugoaway: who are you and what have you done with james

roxythedoxy: shhh don't make him second guess

leftielucy: and in addition to victoire's reason, we also shouldn't make scorpius's coming out be about whether or not he's dating someone, because contrary to popular belief, that isn't relevant.

urmum: oooh true! whether or not you're dating someone does not determine the validity of your identity!!!

gryffindorspartymore: preeeaaaach!

hufflepunk: this is all well and good in terms of righting wrongs and all that but uh how are we gonna let scorp know we support him? i feel like we can't just toss it into the groupchat

urmum: well that's exactly what he did

ringaroundtherosie: yeah but i think that's because he didn't know how to tell us

jamesisthename: okay here's the plan

jamesisthename: we bake him a cake

jollymolly: okay!

hugoaway: no

jamesisthename: and on the cake

gryffindorspartymore: oh god

jamesisthename: we put "Best Bi." like Best Buy, but...Bi

lou-oui: james that reference is too vintage even for molly

jollymolly: i'm slightly regretting the grandma branding because I AM NOT THAT OLD

jollymolly: i am in my TWENTIES

undeadfred: okay new plan - we show up to malfoy manor with a banner that says "BI the way, we saw your group chat message"

hugoaway: okay, 1. school is in session he wouldn't be there and 2. what if his dad was there and we outed him; does his dad even know?!

undeadfred: isn't draco like super gay anyway??

urmum: WHST

ringaroundtherosie: WHO TOLD YOU THAT?!

hufflepunk: yeah he's like super gay

lou-oui: uh, that is...not correct because according to the encyclopaedia of plpfpffp

hugoaway: more like according to the encyclopaedia of ASTORIA?? did you just forget about her??

urmum: j.k. rowling lowkey did

roxythedoxy: who tf is that???

urmum: who tf is who??? i didn't say anything

lou-oui: yeah okay how WOULD you explain his wife of many years if he's gay

jamesisthename: uhhh idk, bisexuality, forced heteronormativity in the upper class, maybe he's homoflexible, and she would fall under the flexible part, all that stuff

leftielucy: this is discourse for another day

victorydancer: no, this isn't discourse for ANY day because what did we JUST go over about making assumptions about peoples' sexualities and relationships?!?!

undeadfred: oh shit sorry my bad

jamesisthename: habit

hugoaway: ok so we're NOT doing the banner thing. any other ideas??

ringaroundtherosie: this might just have to be a groupchat thing you guys. when would we all be able to see him at once except for a holiday? and i don't want to bring it up then. and right now some of us are in school and some of us aren't. and it's not like you can all just apparate into hogwarts

urmum: j.k. rowling lowkey forgot about that too

roxythedoxy: WHO TF IS J.K. ROWLING

urmum: who??? who is who??

roxythedoxy: LILY just answer me

urmum: new phone who dis

roxythedoxy: who is heeeee

urmum: did you just assume their gender

leftielucy: haha very funny BUT. here's the thing lads. a lil Lucy Life Lesson for you: the gender assumption joke works and is funny in relation to objects because it is absurd to gender an object and therefore absurd to assume its gender, but with people you really should try not to assume someone's gender if you can't tell what gender they are!! so with people the joke is not funny; it just sounds like you are very misinformed and attempting to make fun of "political correctness" when really you are just failing to grasp the concept of manners (which i know you're not, lily, but many people are)

leftielucy: sorry to get ranty about gender semantics i don't usually do that i just know this group chat doesn't mind

urmum: we don't; thank you lucy!! i will keep that in mind. am i cancelled for that joke tho??

leftielucy: no!!! people should only be cancelled for really big, really really shitty things. that was a really small mistake u good i just wanted to bring it to your attention i'm just nitpicky

gryffindorspartymore: yeah everybody makes mistakes

hufflepunk: everybody has those days

hugoaway: everybody knows what

victorydancer: what i'm talkin' bout

lou-oui: everybody feels that way

undeadfred: you get the LIMO OUT FRONT

jamesisthename: OOO-AAA-OOO

jollymolly: that is a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT HANNAH MONTANA SONG

roxythedoxy: srsly who is j.k. rowling tho

urmum: ur mum

roxythedoxy: if we were not trying to make serious plans right now i WOULD leave this chat

hufflepunk: you set yourself up for that one roxanne she has to make ur mum jokes it's her brand

lou-oui: guys...we're idiots

leftielucy: yeah what else is new

lou-oui: we forgot owls exist

undeadfred: do they really though?? i think about that a lot. what if they're planted by the ministry???

leftielucy: oh hun, everything is planted by the ministry 

lou-oui: no, i mean. we can all draft a letter to scorpius together in this chat and then one of us can actually write it out and sign it for the rest of us and owl it to him.

ringaroundtherosie: OHHHH DUH

jollymolly: yes! then we can all let him know without all having to be there at once!

victorydancer: while still making it more formal and sincere than a group chat!!

jamesisthename: request - can i be the one to write it out and owl it? i know my handwriting isn't the best but i genuinely feel bad because i think i've contributed the most to scorp's discomfort with all of the assumptions and i wanna make it up to him. i promise i won't put anything suggestive or offensive in there

undeadfred: james that's WOKE as FUCK

jollymolly: aww that's sweet

ringaroundtherosie: seems legit

lou-oui: i'm cool with that

urmum: swear on your Firebolt 120

jamesisthename: that model isn't even out yet!

urmum: exactly, but i know it's at the top of your wishlist and i will make sure no one gets you that broom when it comes out if you don't keep your word

jamesisthename: i swear on my Firebolt 120, my Firebolt 119, AND my vintage Nimbus 2000

gryffindorspartymore: now THAT is what i call commitment

urmum: ok you can transcribe the letter

victorydancer: but we have to check it. you have to send us a picture of it just in case you put any funny buisness in there

jamesisthename: ok fiiiiiine

roxythedoxy: alright then, let's get drafting!

 

*1 hour later*

 

*jamesisthename sent an attachment*

jamesisthename: okay here is the finished letter, just as you requested

leftielucy: JAMES

urmum: "TO THE BEST BI"

ringaroundtherosie: YOU PUT IN THE BEST BI PUN?!?!?!

undeadfred: HAHAHA YESSSS

jamesisthename: you said there could be nothing offensive or suggestive, and this pun is neither

ringaroundtherosie: it's offensive to me; I'M the best bi

urmum: you LOOPHOLED ME

jamesisthename: i could take it out 

hugoaway: pls do it's so bad

hufflepunk: but scorpius does love his puns

jamesisthename: if i hadn't already owled it

urmum: HA! vic said we had to check it first so you DID break your word! no firebolt for you!!

jamesisthename: actually she didn't say you had to check it BEFORE i owled it. her exact words we're "but we have to check it. you have to send us a picture of it just in case" so i did. except i just sent the picture to you all AFTERWARDS. word upheld.

victorydancer: DAMMIT

victorydancer: you loopholed ME

roxythedoxy: are you sure you're not a slytherin

jamesisthename: yes, and now i'm gonna slitherOUT before i get kicked out of this chat

lou-oui: even scorpius wouldn't have laughed at that one

*jamesisthename has left the chat*

urmum: THE NERVE

urmum: this was supposed to be a serious letter!!

jollymolly: it's okay, it still is!! the rest of it is exactly what we all agreed on writing. it might be nice to start it off with a little joke, to lighten up the mood for scorp when he reads it!

urmum: okay true but i can't believe james betrayed us

undeadfred: technically he didn't break any rules....

hufflepunk: alright that's enough discourse for today. bye

roxythedoxy: TEDDY NO

*hufflepunk has kicked victorydancer, undeadfred, lou-oui, hugoaway, leftielucy, jollymolly, urmum, roxythedoxy, gryffindorspartymore, and ringaroundtherosie out of the chat*

*hufflepunk has renamed the chat Best Bi*

*hufflepunk has left the chat*

**Author's Note:**

> **tu sais quoi? je t'emmerde = you know what, screw you (in French)


End file.
